Our scene opens as we see Diego Velez sitting in a chair at the end of a stage. However this isn't a theater production, oh no. It's a strip club. As the camera pans around there are things being blurred out everywhere. We then see K-Remix walking across the strip club with a big frown on his face as he stares down at the shirt that he's being forced to wear. It's a white shirt with 21 written on it in big red letters. The 21 is circled with a line going through it. K-Remix now takes a seat beside Diego.
K-Remix: Do we really have to be here? This shirt is killing my swag rating bruh.
Diego: Umm… You don't exactly need any swag in here. It's a strip club.
K-Remix: Yeah but I'd still like to look nice. You know, in case you meet your next ex wife in here.
Diego: Your lucky I'm too busy looking at boobs to worry about your nonsense.
K-Remix: Eh, it's all a little too fake for my taste. Fake boobs, fake butts, fake smiles. I don't need to give some woman money to pretend to like me.
Diego: Right, because women love you.
K-Remix: EVERYBODY loves me. Plus a married lesbian said I was cute. Do you know how cute you gotta be to pull that off?
Diego: She doesn't count.
K-Remix: What? Why not?
Diego: Because she's pale…. And crazy.
K-Remix: You just described every white woman on the planet.
Diego: Fair enough.
Suddenly K-Remix starts to squint at something across the club.
K-Remix: He Diego…. Is that….
Before Remix can even finish a voice yells out from across the club.
Voice: Well if it isn't my little machismo empanada.
Diego's hand immediately slides across his face because he already knows who it is.
Across the strip club walks a white “woman” wearing nothing more than a skimpy black top, black heels, and black panties. Panties with a pronounced bludge. She walks over to an empty chair beside Diego and has a seat.
Woman: So you finally decided to come let me dip you in sugar and let me make you my little churro huh?
Diego: As long as you deep fry me first because I'd have to be dead.
K-Remix: Hey Celebrity.
Celebrity: Hey K-Bear, how old are you now. 16? 17?
K-Remix: 18.
Celebrity: Uh oh, somebody’s legal. How about I take you out back and make a man out of you.
K-Remix: Hard pass.
Celebrity: As long as it's hard then I'm doing something right.
Diego: Don't you have any decency?
Celebrity: No, but I can check and see if we've got some in the back.
Diego: See, this is why I hate you.
Celebrity: Oh? I thought it was because when we first met you said I was hot but then you found out I was packing.
Celebrity points to her crotch. Diego looks thoroughly disgusted and K-Remix is trying to contain his laughter.
Diego: Shouldn't you be bothering J-Dub or something instead of hitting on me.
Celebrity: Oh he's got some modeling gig and I got booked here as a guest stripper. That's how it goes in the biz. But as far as hitting on you. You know damn well my relationship with Dubby Dub Dub is as open as a Denny's.
Diego: Yeah, that's why when the wind blows your ass sounds like an empty jug.
Celebrity: LIES! I do exercises to keep my poop deck in tip top shape.
Diego: I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.
Celebrity: Oh and speaking of the biz. I heard from somebody that you've been making some noise in wrestling biz K-Bear.
K-Remix: That's right, I am pretty damn awesome.
Celebrity: I bet, you're so damn cute that I bet even the lesbians want you.
K-Remix: THAT'S WHAT I SAID!!!!
Diego: Don't encourage him, I'm saying that to both of you.
Celebrity: Hurtful.
Diego: You have a penis.
Celebrity: But I'm still 90% woman.
Celebrity looks down.
Celebrity: Okay, 80% woman, it is pretty big.
Diego: So gross.
Celebrity: That's not what you said when we first met.
Diego: Die in a fire.
Celebrity: Nice try, I've been flaming for years honey.
K-Remix literally has tears coming out of his eyes.
K-Remix: Oh my god, if you put some clothes on I wouldn't mind you coming on the road with us. This is the highlight of my week.
Celebrity: Flaccid pass on that one honey. I was in that business before and I had my fill of it. However I will give you some advice. Don't reign in shit and make sure you have people around you who are honest. That's the best advice that I could ever give you. The entire time I was in the business I had people telling me that I needed to tone down my personality. Yet, it was my personality that got me attention. It was my personality that got me noticed by modeling agencies. Well that and my stunning good looks of course. So now I have all of these opportunities because of my personality.
K-Remix: But you're stripping in a strip club.
Celebrity: Oh my sweet child. I'm not here because I need the money. I'm here because I like getting naked and grinding on people. So if they're going to pay me for it then why the hell not? Now as for the other thing I said. You need honesty around you. You need people who won't hesitate to tell you when you're fucking up. How you're fucking up. And how to stop fucking up.
K-Remix: Oh I've got that, Diego is my manager.
Celebrity: Yeah he's usually pretty honest. Unless he's talking about his true feelings for me.
Diego: Drink bleach.
Celebrity: Is that one of your nicknames I don't know about. Senor Bleach? Because I will swallow you up.
Deigo: Okay, I'm getting out of here.
Celebrity: Oh keep your pants on. I need to go mingle, I'm sure everybody else is getting jealous that you're taking up all of my time. But good luck K-Bear, and remember what I said.
K-Remix: Thanks.
Celebrity: And I'll see you whenever you're ready to give into your true feelings mi corazon.
Diego: Jump off of a bridge.
Celebrity blows Diego a kiss as she gets up and walks away.
Diego: Thank god she's gone.
K-Remix: You guys are like an old married couple. It's hilarious.
Diego: I will cook Tocino and feed her to you.
K-Remix: WHOA! There's no need to bring Tocino into this.
Diego: Whatever, I'm going to find a girl and get a lap dance.
K-Remix: Hey, why don't I treat you to this one?
Diego: Really?
K-Remix: Yeah, you've helped me out a lot lately so it's the least I could do.
Diego: Finally, the respect I deserve. Thanks K.
K-Remix: No problem man. You go on back to the private rooms and I'll pick a girl out for you on my way out. I'm going to head back to the hotel.
Diego: Alright, cool.
Diego heads to the back of the club and K-Remix heads right over to Celebrity
K-Remix: Diego is waiting in the private rooms.
Celebrity: For another girl I'm guessing.
K-Remix: Yep.
Celebrity: Oh well, beggars can't be choosers. Time to shoot my shot.
K-Remix starts to walk out of the strip club with a big grin on his face. Meanwhile Celebrity heads towards the private rooms already starting to take her clothes off as she walks.
K-Remix: That'll teach him to threaten my pig.
Fade to black.
You know when I was first looking into joining ASCENT, I glanced over the roster. At that time it was a complete and total sausagefest. So, it goes without saying that the hot blonde immediately caught my attention. Call it what you like but it is what it is. I ended up looking into her bio and it painted a picture of somebody who was a lot like me. However, bios are known to be wildly inaccurate. GASP! I know right, who would ever believe a wrestler would lie in their bio! If you can't trust people who run around in their underwear and hit people with steel chairs. Who can you trust?
I soon found myself checking out her matches and her promos over in So Cal Ultra Violent. It didn't take very long for me to find out that she wasn't just a pretty face. The woman can talk the talk and she can walk the walk. Again much in the same way that I do. So I thought that much like myself, she was going to be tough to deal with here in ASCENT.
Fast-forward to the first event and I'm now left wondering what the hell happened. Not releasing a promo in order to promoter her match? That's not the woman I researched. Letting that match end the way that it did? That's not the woman that I researched either. So, I have come to a shocking discovery. Tiffany Nikolaev… HAS BEEN BODY SNATCHED!
In my expert opinion, the real Tiffany is being held somewhere right now by tentacle monsters. Who are most likely groping her in a sexual nature. In her place is of course one of the tentacle monsters. Most likely using some sort of high tech cloaking device in order to take on Tiffany's appearance. Trust me, I've seen enough hentai to know where this is going. NONE of our holes are safe!
Yeah, probably not. However I'd much rather believe that than to believe that she just doesn't give a shit. Still, in a likelihood, that's exactly what we're dealing with here. I just don't understand it. I've lost and I've won. I've been so sore that I couldn't get out of bed the morning after a match. I've had to miss important events because I was on the road. However do you want to know what I've never done? I've never once thought about quitting and I've never once thought about just going through the motions. That's who I am.
I'm well aware that other people do it. It seems like these days that a lot of people are just in this business for a paycheck. They don't care if they win. They don't care what their actions do to the federation. Nor do they care the about the impact that their actions have on the fans. So when I see somebody like Tiffany do it, it's just a whole different level of disappointment. What I saw in her was a kindred spirit. Somebody who respects the business. Somebody that would never phone it in. The woman I saw had way too much pride for that.
I have no idea what changed the woman I saw back then into the one that I'm facing now. However I do know that the one that I'm facing now is an absolute disgrace in every sense of the word. Everything she used to stand for. Everything she used to fight for. It's all meaningless now. Just like with me, everything that she hung her hat on was giving maximum effort at all times. Yet she can't even be bothered to do that.
Me? Do you even need to ask? As sad as it is, she made her choice. Tiffany isn't going to be finding any sympathy here. I don't slow down for anybody. It was brought up in Elysium this week just how many times I've gone against opponents who have done what Tiffany is doing now. Each and every time it ends the exact same way. There's a lopsided victory in my favor. The last time somebody decided to get into the ring with me unprepared? I put him out of action and I don't feel sorry about it one bit.
This isn't fucking McDonald's people. As much as I like to joke around and have fun, I understand what this business is. It's dangerous. Everybody saw what happened to Gordon Hayward six minutes into the NBA season. That can happen to any player on any night. Football, baseball, MMA, wrestling, and the list goes on and on. There are a ton of sports out there that are the same way. Anything could happen at any time.
So knowing that, you're just going to go out there and go through the motions? That goes way beyond being stupid and reckless. But at the end of the day, that's their choice. If you step in front of a 90 mph fast ball. That ball isn't going to slow down for you. If you jump in front of a bullet. That bullet isn't going to slow down for you. And if you step into the ring with K-Remix? HE ISN'T SLOWING DOWN FOR YOU EITHER.
Who knows, I may even be able to knock some sense into her. Then afterward we can discuss it in my locker room over a nice bottle of sparkling grape juice and a kid cuisine meal. I'll even let her have the brownie. That's just the kind of man that I am.
